Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Case of The Disappearing Socks!

My fellow blogger mom Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism , is so funny and completely blunt in her blog. I have to pimp her out today for the blog she posted about the word "vagina".

I have to say I do the same stuff with my boys. I scare them into not wanted to have sex without a condom and making sure not to get anyone pregnant...lets face it I have no other options..I can't put my boys on birth control!

This brings me to the time I took my oldest to his 11 year check up. He had just turned 11, and I was thinking this would be like any other day at the pediatricians office...I was so very WRONG!

His Doctor turned to me and said have you had the talk with him about masturbation. What The Fuck? He is 11! Then she proceeded to tell me with my terrified looked on my face that boys start masturbating about the age of 11. OMG isn't this his dad's job to talk to his son about masturbation? No she said boys and their dad's are to embarrassed to talk to each other about masturbation.

Oh shit, I know nothing about boys masturbating except for the fact the I had to buy my second ex husband 3 pocket pussies cause he kept wearing holes in them. This would be different she said cause I shouldn't under any circumstance buy him a pocket pussy! lol Why not? They are easily discreet and washable and make life a lot easier for me!

I ignored the pediatrician, I figured it would come along soon enough and I would deal with it then. Oh but I was so wrong! I should have dealt with it when she told me to.

I started finding crusty socks stuffed behind his bed and under his bed and in his closet. OMG GROSS! Then the unthinkable happened! Yes I walked in on him masturbating! He had not locked or even bothered to shut the his bed room door so I didn't think nothing of walking right in to deliver his clean clothes from the dryer for him to put away! OMG! I never again went into his room .
I did however sit my then 12 year old and my then 6 year old sons down ...Yes the youngest was six when this conversation took place....brace yourselves!

This is how it went!
Look I know boys have needs and they sometimes want to explore their bodies and that their penis does funny things when they touch it, however I am telling both of you that doing that in your bedroom isn't allowed! They make showers for that so that all the evidence goes down the drain , and if I find one more crusty sock in this house I will serve it to you for dinner!

The oldest was laughing at me but stopped laughing when I told him I would make him eat the nasty crusty sock, the youngest was locked on every word but never said anything.

So this brings me to my now 12 year son taking a damn hour and fifteen minute shower the other night and then getting up before the alarm went off the very next morning and getting back into the shower for another 1 hour long shower! OMG

Why did GOD bless me of all people with boys! So the point of this blog is that kids pay attention to everything that is said no matter their age and thank GOD cause I swear if I start finding crusty socks again I will puke!


  1. Maybe that is what happens to all the socks in this house. I thought the sock monster ate them. I have sons, they take long showers.
    Luckily I was never told that I had to talk to them about that. And I have never found a crusty sock.
    We have however talked, well I talk and they squirm, about responsibility and respect.

  2. Yes I would bet for a long time I blamed the dryer myself but I'm pretty sure it was my son...

  3. LOL..... I am sorry but I nearly fell of my chair over the crusty sock,it made me laugh so hard! Thank gawd that the only thing I have is a fixed male dog!

  4. LOL That's hilarious! I can't imagine "using" a sock in that manner...isn't it rough? :)

  5. I was a masterbating fool when I was younger. Ok I still am but that is besides the point.

    And I wish I would have had a pocket pussy when I was younger.

  6. OMG! How funny.
    I am so very glad I have a daughter and I don't have to worry about crusty socks. Ewww

  7. Average Girl- Be very glad you don't have to find crusty socks!
    A Redhead Named Sam-I don't know I have never tried to masturbate with a sock, I don't want to imagine it either!
    Oilfield Trash-Yes I would have been better off getting him a pocket pussy, I just might one birthday soon for the youngest one ..lol..Oh and even though I get sex plentiful I still masturbate also, just not with socks!
    Ruth-Yes be very glad, be very very glad!

  8. I know I shouldn't laugh...but I did. Having only sisters I can't imagine walking in on that or having to touch crusty socks! Oh, ew!

    In college the guys used to take the longest showers until one day one of the guys came into a house meeting and blurted out..."Stop splooging in the shower! I am tired to bathing ankle high in splooge!" and then promptly left the room. I think I peed myself a little! Some of the guys started using the women's shower after that. Boys can be so gross!

  9. Jewels , yes boys are gross! I'm sure God was trying to make a point when he blessed me with two of them, but I have yet to figure out why!

  10. This is so funny! First of all, thank you for pimpin' me out!...how much do i owe you? :)
    And second of all, that's what those socks are always doing under the bed?!!!

  11. Yes, under the bed behind the bed between the mattress and box-springs, in the closet and under the dresser...ugh gross! Your very welcome Sandra, that's what friends are for lol

  12. For the record, the correct nomenclature is "Happy Sock" :-). The shower is a safety issue...your knees can get weak and result in a serious fall!!! Safety first. SSW...consider yourself lucky...my mom raised 5 sons!

  13. LOL I know read my blog the Taste of a Man I know all about your knees getting things lol