I'm tired of my fingers smelling like my vagina!

Don't get me wrong I like the smell of my vaja-ja and I even like to masturbate, however it gets really old really quick, if that's all that's going on down there. So me and my tens fingers went shopping today. Yes, to the adult toy store down the road.

I so happened to pick the perfect day to go shopping in the adult toy store, there was a sale happening! lol Who knew they have things on sale in the erotica toy business? So anyway I have been in this store before and I wasn't impressed before so why would I have a different experience alone? Well we will just say I was in desperate need of some attention down there and I didn't have the time nor money to drive to the big city to get it.

So this little  lingerie shop with toys a mile from my house was perfect. All except it is owned by a very large and in charge married couple that are rude and not happy ever! I wonder why they own this little shop in the first place. They literally have "do not " do this and "do not" do that signs all over the place even before you walk into the place and don't attempt to answer your phone in there or even think about reaching for your phone, they will tackle you and warn you, that NO pictures are allowed in this place. And they aren't nice about it!

 For example as I'm checking out the lady says, this isn't the one I told you that it was 19.99 this one is 24.99....ok I know I read the sticker......are you sure you don't want the other one.....yes I'm sure, thank you though......well this one comes with a FREE penis shaped sleeve, would you like to pick one out to go with your purchase.....No thank you......Maybe you didn't hear me, I said they are FREE!.....No thank you I said......Well they come with this purchase all you have to do is pick one out it's free! ......NO Thank you! ........I don't think you understood me I said it's free!.....I finally said I completely understand you, I can read and speak english and I do not want a penis shaped sleeve to go over my silver bullet, it is more of an inconvience, it would be something else I have to hide and clean, so again NO THANK YOU!............Really people!

Anyway back to my fingers, they are tired and I am tired for them. So I thought I'd get me a new silver bullet . Seemed quite harmless to include a silver bullet into my newly wed relationship. Well to me it was, but not so much  to my husband, I might as well bought the biggest dildo in there and brought it home. Anyway, I didn't I bought a small little multi-speed dial silver bullet. Which I paid cash for because my bank nor the bank statement needs to reflect an incorrect opinion of my purchase or leave the imagination to the spectators. However I did stuff it to store it in an old checks box. How ironic, that if a thief breaks in and goes through my night stand to find things , that a box of checks might not be exactly what they might had in mind when they open it....lol

I came straight home opened it, washed it and began using.!  It was glorious! I haven't cummed so hard and so many times in a few weeks and I needed the release before I go insane. The little intense vibrating bullet , that really looks more like a missile is so very intense. It literally takes less than a minute to bring me to full blown and leg shaking organisms. I literally use to keep one in the glove box of my car for those occasions when you get  stuck in traffic. It made it a lot more fun. :)

So it has been about two years since I had my last toy and I don't know why I haven't replaced it sooner, but I intend on making sure I get my money's worth out of my newly bought silver friend, I would even let my husband tease me with it if he wasn't so offended that I purchased it.

Wedding Night Bliss?

This blog post is what I'm going to coin as a pg/r/pg rated blogwich (like a sandwich, meaning the first part is pg and the middle is rated R and it ends pg) :)

Our wedding was wonderful, it was a beautiful ceremony with our closest family and friends. We had 35 or so guests and my dress was awesome. It was what I always thought it would be as a little girl! :)

Friends and family had a great time. Ceremony started at 6:30pm so we had the entire day to prepare. Hair, makeup, dress, tuxes and rental car check. One sick vomiting kid...ugh and he was mine, but it was from all the candy he had eaten all day and all the cokes he wasn't use to having. He was better once my sister who is a nurse took him home and fed him chicken soup. Wedding went quick and it was lots of fun, then came the honeymoon!

Let me start by saying letting your new husband of two hours carry all the money , might have some hiccups in the situation sooner rather than later.

We got all settled in our rental car for our trip to Atlanta to catch the early flight out to the Dominican Republic for 7 days. Got about 20 miles down the road and realized we had no luggage, it was still in my car, that my sister took with her. Luckily we caught her and she met us to get our luggage. It was now midnight!

We had a wonderful trip to Atlanta checked into our hotel and he quickly grabbed me and peeled off over my head the sun dress I had replaced my wedding dress with to reveal my white lace corset with matching strings thongs, which didn't stay on long as it quite quickly hit the floor and I was lowered to the bed, he began to kiss me softly on my lips as he made his way across to my ear and down my neck kissing every inch of skin to where his hands were cupping my breasts tenderly massaging my nipples to make them firmly stand at attention till his lips and tongue could reach them.

Slowly his hands released my breast and began a smooth slither down my ribs, then down my waist to my hips to let his mouth take over my nipples. As he was making sure to give each of my breast ample attention with his tongue his hand was now cupping my womanness taking in the heat that being emitted and was rising and forming a wetness. My little white lacy panties were maneuvered to the side as he gently took the tip of one finger and dipped it slightly into my pussy to dampen it and to feel the moisture and heat rise while slowly moving up to find my clit which was then starving for some attention. The first touch sent shivers up my entire body, he continued  manipulating my clit to maximum alertness . Moving his mouth up to mine we passionately kissed while he slid my panties off and got his shirt and pants off to reveal his solid manhood. My wet desiring mouth made it slowly down his body to engulf his manhood into it feeling it's heat fill my mouth while my tongue lapped  up the dipping wetness of him, he was begging to be inside me, I slowly went back up and we met in the middle as his hardness found my wetness for some slipping in and out fun, feeling the heat and dripping wetness down my thighs onto the bed while I was firmly but gently with force holding on  to his back with my nails dug in panting to the rhythm of his thrusts till our climaxes collided in a hot wet moment of throbbing greatness and he collapsed on the bed beside me.

By this time it's 2:45 in the morning and making sure we had our things together we gather our melted bodies up to make sure our luggage and carry ones were all packed appropriately to quickly realize that we have NO money! Yes my newly acquired god of love making had left all our money in his tux pocket in which my sister who lives in northern Georgia so graciously volunteered to return the next day for us. So she had it more than 2 hours away and it was t-5 hours till take off to our honeymoon. So I called my sister who again graciously met us half way with our money but by this time my husband was asleep in the passenger seat and I drove there and back so at around 6 am I finally get into bed to wake up two hours later frantically trying to get our things together and get to the airport before take off, and foolishly forgetting that we hadn't stopped for gas to top off the rental car at 6 in the morning only for the rental company to charge an extra $110 for a half tank of gas! Note: do not ever return a rental car without topping off the gas tank first!

We happily and thankfully made it to our flight and safely to our all inclusive honeymoon suite for a week of wedded bliss in the beautiful Dominican Republic by 2 pm.......to be continued with pics on another post for another day. :)

Crotch Lightening?

Ok so milk does the body good....inside and out right....you know the good for calcium for your bones and good for the skin for moisture? But, your crotch? whoa hold up one minute I had to google this after an incident yesterday....so this is what google gave me http://www.tandurust.com/health-faq/dark-crotch-remedies-and-treatment.html . Apparently you can lighten your crotch with milk! Who knew!

Learn something new everyday!

I would have never guessed that sour milk or buttermilk although they are high in lactic acid would have been proven to lighten skin in your crotch area. However the website states that you can apply sour milk or buttermilk on your crotch for a lighter and better texture on the said area!

So I googled milk crotch because as I thought my day yesterday was going to be fantastic because it started out with breakfast at Panera (which I love). Quite quickly turned into a wet milky crotch for the rest of my day, and work shift for 12 hours! Showering at midnight!

Yes I ordered a bagel and a milk to go. Unfortunately Panera's cups are not the sturdiest cups and the slightest squeeze sends liquid quickly rushing out the top and over spilling for fear of bearing squished after being squeezed and churned and so far the last thing milk wants it to be squeezed in a flimsy plastic cup.

 So I happy order a cinnamon crunch bagel, and a skim milk, graciously thanking the lady at the register and walking out to my car.

I get all settled in my car, put the milk in-between thighs....not my smartest moment....ok then I begin to put my stick shift (my manual transmission) car into reverse and apparently in the process of pressing in the clutch on my car my thighs clenched together and the milk in my little flimsy cup runneth over into my crotch!

Scrambling for napkins or anything at this point to try to dry my scrubs off before reaching the hospital to start my 12 hour shift I managed to spill the rest of my milk in my crotch!

Fortunately, I have no air conditioning in my car so the milk will dry on my scrubs before my 45 min drive to the hospital, However; unfortunately I have no air conditioning in my car so by the time I get to work my crotch with smell of spoiled milk and my scrubs will be dry so it will be an awkward conversation if anyone notices!

So notes to self :
1.ALWAYS use the cup holders located conveniently in the center console of my car.
2. Don't try to drive with a flimsy cup between your thighs.
3. Check to see if this really did lighten my crotch....how would I know? I don't think I've honestly ever thought about the color spectrum in my crotch area! (although my husband told me I had a very nicely colored va-jay-jay and not to be concerned with it) lol
4. Don't try lightening your crotch on the go, it's too messy.

One of My Oddest Flings

A few years ago I started dating this man Dr. Y on his first year out of residency, very smart man and cute as a button with dark hair and dark eyes and good hair....you know the kind you just want to run your fingers through dark and soft longer on the top and front so he could style it.

Dr. Y, was 35 never married, no kids, and still lived with his mother...ok well his mom lived with him technically, but still you get the concept....There was obviously something wrong with this man !

Single and gorgeous, a 35 yr old never married doctor with no kids, asked me out in the hallway at work! Of course I said YES!

Oh I quickly found out why he was still single. He was very attentive and sweet, but the man had some issues. So I was thinking it could probably over look somethings....not everything!

First of all he had a foot fetish, ok I can deal with that since I love my feet getting massaged, touched, rubbed and such. So that one wasn't bad at all.

Second, he was OCD about his routine. He only took certain roads and he always took the same route. He always left work everyday and had to go to Best Buy to buy something...no joke he would buy something everyday. Usually something electronic of something that goes with or on or in something electronic.

Third one was way worse he had an anxiety disorder, yes a doctor with anxiety about crowds and people! It was July 4th and I was all dressed up to go out somewhere when he called and me to see if I wanted to come keep him company and go out to dinner, I said sure. I went to his place and he says , "why don't we just stay in tonight", I say No I didn't shave my legs put on a mini skirt and fix my hair and makeup for sitting at home. Then he said well a friend of mine is having a cook out and fireworks show at his lake house, do you think you'd like to go? Sure, so we head that way.....

When we arrived there were already four people there and the two of us made it six and I could see his face changes with the thought of more people showing up. Then two more, then two more......Here goes the attack...started with a nose bleed, then a shortness of breath, and a full panic attack because too many people were there .......

I can deal with and over look many things but I'm no hermit...I need social events just to vent sometimes, even if its just to go window shopping. I like to get out and walk downtown and look at the old buildings, the architecture elements and angles of them are beautiful. He couldn't even do that for fear that too many people might get too close. Seriously!

I did tell him, your a doctor don't you know they make medicine for those kind of issues. He wasn't amused but I was right! Well that relationship didn't last very long at all...we are still friends though but we never go out he always insist on cooking me dinner, which isn't a bad thing since he is a good cook.

Since then he has bought his mom her own place and no lives alone with all his techno computer gadgets and things. Still single and still texts me but I let him know that I have found a man and I have fallen in love.

Ugh! Mother Nature Tryed To Kill Me !

This morning I woke up to find that mother nature has dropped in for her monthly visit. Not my favorite visitor however I am use to her so I know the drill. Only one problem, I'm at work .....and .......you guessed it I have only one tampon. I know you guys out there wonder why we aren't always prepared for this since we do know it's coming, right? Well I don't have an answer for that other than I could buy a semi-truck load of tampons and they would be all used by the time mother nature decides to depart.

So anyway, I had to leave work this morning and head to the nearest store. I was thinking Walmart (the devil) but then my co-worker says go two blocks past the hospital on the same road and there is a Dollar store on the right. Sounded easy enough, right?

A little background information, I don't live in this town I live thirty miles down the freeway in a one-horse town. So imagine my surprise when I leave downtown and end up two blocks down in the middle of the ghetto!

Yes I'm serious. So sure enough I see the dollar store on my right and I pull in to a completely gated parking lot surrounded by a 10 foot high iron rod fence! Yes a gated dollar store. Then look up to see all the windows and doors have bars on them and there are cameras on every centimeter of this place. WHF

So this is not the time to be picky, especially since I have left work and I am in desperate need of some tampons! So I hop out of my car and immediately lock the doors and walk briskly to the door past the three thugs standing on the sidewalk with sunglasses on (it's raining and stormy and dark outside btw).

I open the door and this voice from overhead called out and it scared me SLIGHTLY lol to a jump. It was a recording with an alarm "WARNING......all actions are monitored and recorded" ! REALLY at a dollar store! A dollar store people, is it really necessary to scare the Jesus out of me at the dollar store? I only went to get tampons I wasn't prepared for a cavity search or to be shanked!

WOW this definitely makes me glad I live in a one-horse town.

I did make it back to work safely with my tampons!

I Can't Stop Smiling!

I literally can't stop smiling! I am generally a smiley person, but this week has been wonderful! I have been talking to D.

We went on a nice dinner date on Tuesday night where we literally couldn't stop talking, touching, or smiling. In fact we sat there in the restaurant till the staff had put up all the chairs and the manager came out to politely tell us that we didn't have to go home but we couldn't stay there...lol

What the hell has come over me! Let me start by saying first this week started off like this....for the first time in over 5 years I turned T down for sex! OMG I didn't even think about it I just did it, I told him no.

Then after the dinner and conversation on Tuesday he asked if I'd like to have dinner with his parents next week for his birthday (which I have already gotten him a gift for..shhhh)! I didn't even hesitate to say yes I would love to.

What the hell has gotten into me...I think I have been possessed by some giddy smiley teenager!

Then he says "want to take the kids to dinner and a movie this week?". Again I said yes!

So tonight we met at dinner with my 12 year old son and his 10 year daughter. We had a nice dinner and everyone got along great. Then we went to the theater to see the new Disney movie Tangled, which was great! After the movies we stopped by the game room for the kids to play arcade games and where we played a game of air hockey and he beat me badly, only because I couldn't stop laughing! (OK he beat me fairly lol) .

After the dinner and a movie and games, his daughter and I decided that we should all go for ice cream. Secretly it was my plan to offer it so that I could spend more time with him :) OMG what is wrong with me! So we all go get ice cream (which totally screwed up my week I spent at the gym this week ....lol) and sit for another 45 minutes laughing and talking.

Unfortunately both the kids have to go to school in the morning, so being the responsible parents we are, we called it a night!

Wow, I can't recall ever feeling this way this fast about anyone, especially anyone that returned the feelings. I only remember having this feeling for T after our first date over 5 years ago and he quickly shot it down! I am totally in unmarked territory! I am freaking out! I haven't even had sex with him yet! I don't want to screw this up! I screw everything up!

Why now?
Why him?
I wasn't looking!
I was happy being single!
OMG!
Someone stop me from smiling my cheeks hurt!

The Case of The Disappearing Socks!

My fellow blogger mom Sandra over at Absolutely Narcissism , is so funny and completely blunt in her blog. I have to pimp her out today for the blog she posted about the word "vagina".

I have to say I do the same stuff with my boys. I scare them into not wanted to have sex without a condom and making sure not to get anyone pregnant...lets face it I have no other options..I can't put my boys on birth control!

This brings me to the time I took my oldest to his 11 year check up. He had just turned 11, and I was thinking this would be like any other day at the pediatricians office...I was so very WRONG!

His Doctor turned to me and said have you had the talk with him about masturbation. What The Fuck? He is 11! Then she proceeded to tell me with my terrified looked on my face that boys start masturbating about the age of 11. OMG isn't this his dad's job to talk to his son about masturbation? No she said boys and their dad's are to embarrassed to talk to each other about masturbation.

Oh shit, I know nothing about boys masturbating except for the fact the I had to buy my second ex husband 3 pocket pussies cause he kept wearing holes in them. This would be different she said cause I shouldn't under any circumstance buy him a pocket pussy! lol Why not? They are easily discreet and washable and make life a lot easier for me!

I ignored the pediatrician, I figured it would come along soon enough and I would deal with it then. Oh but I was so wrong! I should have dealt with it when she told me to.

I started finding crusty socks stuffed behind his bed and under his bed and in his closet. OMG GROSS! Then the unthinkable happened! Yes I walked in on him masturbating! He had not locked or even bothered to shut the his bed room door so I didn't think nothing of walking right in to deliver his clean clothes from the dryer for him to put away! OMG! I never again went into his room .
I did however sit my then 12 year old and my then 6 year old sons down ...Yes the youngest was six when this conversation took place....brace yourselves!

This is how it went!
Look I know boys have needs and they sometimes want to explore their bodies and that their penis does funny things when they touch it, however I am telling both of you that doing that in your bedroom isn't allowed! They make showers for that so that all the evidence goes down the drain , and if I find one more crusty sock in this house I will serve it to you for dinner!

The oldest was laughing at me but stopped laughing when I told him I would make him eat the nasty crusty sock, the youngest was locked on every word but never said anything.

So this brings me to my now 12 year son taking a damn hour and fifteen minute shower the other night and then getting up before the alarm went off the very next morning and getting back into the shower for another 1 hour long shower! OMG

Why did GOD bless me of all people with boys! So the point of this blog is that kids pay attention to everything that is said no matter their age and thank GOD cause I swear if I start finding crusty socks again I will puke!

My Turkey Story

First I'd like to thank Semi True Torystellar at Can U Relate? for this prestigious award. I am very honored. I will post it with my other awards that I have been blessed to receive from everyone on my Awards! Thank you! Thank you. post!

Last year was the first year that I hosted Thanksgiving at my house. Yes I was a Thanksgiving hostess virgin! So against better judgment I invited my entire family to our (mine and R's) home for a day of family, fun, and food!

Now his home is full of collectibles, glass, pictures, vases, lamps, a sort of magazine perfect living area. Not really(meaning not at all) kid friendly, this didn't help the fact that my family hated (and still does) R so you can see why I say against my better judgment.

My brother and his new girlfriend show up with her 2 year old son. My middle sister shows up with her family which includes two kids and my youngest sister showed up with her family which included three more kids, and R's brother showed up with two of his kids. It was a packed house and all was going fine, except the 2 year old!

Yes my brothers new girlfriend brought her two year old but wasn't watching him, chasing him, controlling him, or even taking care of him. R kept coming to me while I'm trying to cook telling me "she needs to get her kid", "she's not watching her kid", "could you get your new sis-in-law to handle her kid". OMG i wanted to scream. Seriously my stress level was through the roof!

Then the 2 year old broke a glass globe! Yes on top of the stress now there was anger!

Anyway back to the turkey! I have never in my life cooked a turkey, and I'm not a fan of eating turkey, because it's always so dry, but I started looking up recipes. I came across a recipe on how to cook a turkey in a crock-pot. Perfect, put the turkey in my big ass crock pot, season, and let it cook it's self. That I could do!

I must say I was impressed and so was the family. The turkey turned out beautiful, and moist. The only problem I had was getting that damn bird out of the crock-pot in one piece and onto a serving platter. Every time I attempted to pick it up, it was falling apart. So I had this brilliant idea! I would drain the crock-pot turkey juice into a baking pan and then put my platter upside down on top of the crock-pot and then flip it onto the platter! Great! the turkey was then on the platter in one piece....all except it was upside down! ugh! OK new plan, this time get another platter (good thing R is a hoarder and had like 8 of them), and flip the new platter upside down on the bird and flip it over.....worked perfectly!

I had the most beautiful turkey ever! It was browned perfectly, moist, and fully cooked to perfection! I was so very proud of myself!

The day was long, the food was great, and the family was happy. All except for R, he was still furious that kid wasn't being watched and had broken one of his 10 billion prize possessions! I swear to everyone I never heard the end of that rant. He even asked me the other day if my new sis-in-law had gotten any more parenting skills since the new baby had come into our family!

I'm thankful to say that this year we are having Thanksgiving at my brother's house! :)

ROAD RAGE!

OK I very rarely get road rage but today, I was totally overwhelmed by it! I was on the highway just driving along and minding my own business while singing to myself and thinking about how this was such a beautiful, when out of no where this Honda pulls up beside me and proceeds to come over into my lane!
Now when I say I rarely get road rage I really mean never. I am always calm and respectful and even if someone cuts me off I figure it's not worth a fight and it definitely didn't ruin my day so what would be the point of causing havoc on some moron that can't drive.
So I try to slow down while pushing down on my horn but I had no where to go. The guard rail was on my left and I was surrounded by cars including the one coming toward me in MY lane! So I had to practically stop to keep her from hitting me and I was frustrated beyond believe by that point. I'm sure I looked like some crazy lady screaming through the windshield and holding the horn down and waves my limbs in and out of the windows.

So she never sees me. I'm serious she acted like she didn't have a clue why I was acting so irate! A mile up the road she gets over into the right lane so that she can go right in the interstate split to go north and as I pass her I understand why! She is a blond young teenager that has her seat laid so far back that she couldn't possibly see over the wheel or out any of her windows or mirrors, because we all know it's WAY more important to look cool than be safe! Where the HELL is a cop when you need them!